From the notebook of Caleb Michael Smith, Esquire: Recorded over the course of multiple flights and stopovers Dec. 12 to Dec. 14, 2005, with some polish and supplementation after the fact.
If you are named Jack or Jacqueline, please have a predetermined nickname worked out prior to being greeted by the airport by friends. Either that or agree, beforehand, that no one will use the salutation, “Hi!” Think about it.
In regards to sprinting through the terminal, I generally try not to run in heavily crowded areas; especially those that are thick in security. I know it's a common sight to see people rushing to catch a plane, but I’m afraid I’d appear to be the frazzled, disgruntled male who is “up to no good.” It’s not worth risking a strip search in exchange for a few seconds. Besides, I speed walk well – thanks to years of practice stretching out my stride to compensate for my shorter legs – so I might as well continue to take advantage of that talent.
Personal Note to the Terminal Announcer: Gate 153 and Gate 163 sound awfully similar when you don’t take the time to clearly enunciate between the two. One can waste plenty of time rushing back to a gate previously bypassed if you don’t phonetically differentiate between the terminals, that despite their proximity on a number line, are quite stretched out in the southern terminal of the Denver Airport. Jerk.
Apparently, the McDonalds Corporation has been delayed in updating its airport outlets in regards to its dollar menu. One could clean up with the dollar menu at the airport.
Considering all the other inflated prices, you'd have lines up and down the terminal waiting for little burgers and handfuls of McNuggets. Of course, it wouldn't last long. Eventually the other airport vendors would probably form an unruly mob (not that there is a different type of mob) to violently close down the dollar menu - all for the sake of business, of course.
While in theory broken escalators equal stairs, no one seems to be taking them. I guess people are worried about the loss of five seconds if they take the stationary steps rather than the mechanical descent.
While I appreciate the fact that my seat cushion can be used as a floatation device, I'm not too worried about a water landing between Kansas City and Denver.
The CNN Airport Network sucks. Merely stating that is giving the channel way more attention than it deserves.
Health tip - Symptoms of altitude sickness: You're sick and you're at a high altitude.
In smaller planes, it’s often possible to be able to look down the aisle and see the runway through the plane’s windshield. Of course, you’ve often got to tilt your head around to see around the other heads straining to get the same view. It’s a perfect early warning system. If things are off-track, the pilot doesn’t have to spend precious seconds alerting you to your impending close encounter with physics. It frees up all parties to join in pre-crash cursing, crying, and general falling to pieces.
Having ice out on tarmac when you get off the plane will not inspire airline passengers to think better of your airstrip. If you want to put on your best face, put more salt out.
This is just general thing, and not directly related to the topic at hand, but I think it is worth mentioning. If ever break into a rendition of “So Long, Farewell,” you all have legal permission to put my ever-lovin' goard out of its obvious misery. Please do so with any firearms, cutting edges, or blunt object you may have on your person, immediately and without hesitation. I promise to do the same in return, if asked.
Smarmy comment from a passenger behind me on the plane: “Those in the back of the plane are the last to arrive at the scene of the crash.”
An oil man concludes his story about his experiencing -125 degree wind chill in Alaska: “And that’s why I moved down here.”
Geographical observation made in response:: “Ha, down here.”
Are carnival ride seatbelts really the best engineers could come up for the Beechcraft airplane? Couldn’t they have spent a little bit more to get the buckling type rather than the little metal clasp kind? I believe they had better restrains on Disney’s Space Mountain. Do they really want passengers to take their airplanes seriously, or what?
I know I’m on the same plane that I flew down on because it has the same abnormal divot in the left engine cover. The loose panel is better fastened down, though, so it’s not all bad.
Dear short cutting airline: I understand you’re a small outfit and in a hurry, but please don’t start refueling the plane while passengers are still disembarking. It’s illegal to do that on many buses or other forms of public transportation. It’s not that I’m a worry wart, but with the crew I’ve already seen you employ, I wouldn’t put it past one of them to be smoking while they’re doing so, and I’d rather be far removed from both the plane and the tanker truck when this inevitably occurs. Sincerely, Caleb Michael Smith.
It shows that you’ve been flying quite a bit recently when you start to develop favorite tracks on the in-flight airplane music system.
It’s a telling fact that the pilot switches off the music channels when an announcement is made. They must realize that people like me would completely tune them out while they talked about turbulence or seatbelt signs. This course of action displays a clear understanding of human nature and dedication to safety. The music muting also always occurs in the middle of a great track, which is guaranteed to make people like me annoyed when these interruptions occur.
The last song you listen to on your flight is very important. Should an accident occur, you don’t want your final song to be some flittering bubblegum song like something by the Spice Girls or Tony Orlando. My pick for my final descent on my last flight: “Me and Bobby McGee.”
When you’re done flying, don’t take the headphones that you used. If you’re going to steal a pair, grab one from a different seat so they can’t track the theft back to you.
For those keeping track at home, "Flying by myself," was #311 on my long-term to-do list. It came between #310 "Perform a minor medical procedure on myself," and #312 Play the Quiet Game for more than an hour. Considering the longest version of the Quiet Game I played lasted 15 seconds, I’d wager I’ll cross off #310 long before I ever put ink through #312.
Most Important Lesson: If you're going to write about racial profiling, plane crashes, or "really hungry rugby teams," angle your notebook so that those next to you can't easily read your morose scribblings. Switch to shorthand or some foreign language, excluding pig Latin. You're not going to fool anybody with "annibalism – cay.”
