The offer of a journalism job was great timing in my book (and not just because so many friends were increasingly telling me they were getting worried about my mental health). It saved me from a looming deadline I was not looking forward to. I had a little known deal with my parents worked out that I had until Christmas to land a journalism job or face going back to Wal-Mart.
Note: I’m not sure if “deadline” is the proper word to use. Based on the conversations we had, however, there wasn’t any wiggle room left for renegotiation at the conclusion of our talks. The message of “ultimatum” was conveyed in tone, if not in direct word choice.
I have since repeated this fact to people and found that not everybody believed me. Of course, when you repeat so many outrageous lies for the sake of a laugh, sometimes outrageous truths get accidentally mislabeled.
While Wal-Mart made for a solid first job, with a steady paycheck and dependable employee discount, I was working really hard to avoid working for Sam Walton’s heirs. While some people say they hate the worldwide conglomerate that is Wal-Mart, having living around some of the Walton grandkids and watched their behavior, I am in the lesser-known position to say I love Sam Walton’s business (especially the low prices) but take serious issue with the people who run it.
That, and while my immediate supervisors at Wal-Mart were good, hard-working people, by bosses’ bosses were largely jerks. Even though this is a common workplace complain everywhere, I allowed myself the luxury of blaming the corporate hierarchy and declared my intent not to be put in that situation again, even if I was allowed to work with box cutters on a daily basis (which I always thought was cool).
Regardless of past experiences and prejudices, thanks to the Wyoming gig, I need not don my Wal-Mart vest any time soon. I’m not saying it’s not in my future, because the economy can be a wacky thing, but I take some pleasure its going to stay on the hanger for the time being.
This also saves me from having to put into motion one of my last minute, alternative employment plans. What is to follow is a short list of unconventional career choices I contemplated in place of returning to Walton’s fold:
#5 – Bookstore worker – While my librarian mother has given me a nostalgic love of the Dewey Decimal System, I think I would prefer to work in a place that sells books rather than one that lends them for free. I make this decision largely looking for an employee discount. The problem with this is that I’d most like steadily work myself into poverty, each day discovering another stack of books I was interested in. Fairly soon I’d fall behind and would be slaving away each day to cover the cost of the books I’d already purchased (with the money I was supposed to spend on other amenities like rent, insurance, food). When the heat would be shut off, however, I’m sure I’d have a selection of less desirable tomes I could sacrifice to continue reading – by the light of flickering flames – just a little bit longer…
#4 – Mad Scientist Assistant – I think I could make a great Igor. Though I lack the hump, I’m told my body posture isn’t too far removed from the lovable lumbering, hunchbacked gimp. I also have a “can do” attitude and a cool head. If asked to a series of bizarre biological “components,” I think I would blink no more than twice before asking, “Do I need to bring extra ice with me, or do you think it will be found on sight. I also have enough confidence in myself to challenge questionable plans. “Um, Herr Doctor? You may want to rethink the whole piranha/flying fish cross-breeding idea. It has ironic, man-plays-god-and-gets-destroyed-by-his-monstrous-creation accident written all over it.”
#3 – Apple product tester – I don’t know what Steve Jobs is thinking of working on next after the iPod, but I want to be a part of it. Sunglasses with video monitors built in, 3-D television sets, a toaster with web accessibility, I would kill to be part of the team that tests it. How great would it be to be on the ground floor of a technological revolution like virtual reality or being able to check sports scores while eating toasted bagels? Even if I don’t keep the prototypes, just the bragging rights would be worth the efforts, at least until the next wave breaks.
#2 – Human Cannonball – If I could land this job, and the announcement of my employment didn’t slay my mother, this could potentially be an explosive gig. Flying through the air every night, getting to work with explosives, having a wicked-cool crash helmet – what’s not to love? Also, I’d hope to pick up some side jobs around the big top where I’d pick up some tips on lion taming, swallowing flaming swords, and driving a tiny car that fits 14 people. Just point me toward the net and fire away.
#1 – Chimney Sweep – This is thanks to numerous viewings of the movie “Mary Poppins ” back when I was young and impressionable. Watching Bert cavort around London, I was tempted to follow in his sooty footsteps. You have to admit he had a killer theme with “Chim Chim Cher-ee,” (though “Votes for women – step in time!” remains my favorite line from the movie). Dick Van Dyke also got away with making messes in fancy living rooms, bouncing off ceilings, and dancing on roof tops and with penguins; though never both at the same time. If I could be a chimney sweep like Bert, you’d never hear me voice my preference of banging drums - unless it was my day off and I was doing one-man band duty. But if one is going to get picky about that, I’d just tell them to “Go fly a kite.”
said...
Firstly, congratulations on the job! Does that mean you'll be (gulp) joining the realms of adulthood, with responsibilities such as home-owning, bill-paying, deadline-working, work "do" attending and what not? Good luck with that.....
Secondly, I work in a bookstore and you're right - the discount is more of a hindrance than anything. There are the benefits of free goodies, pleasant work environment, nice work mates and higher status than other retail jobs, but at the end of the day, you're still over-worked and under-payed.
So if you are thinking of an alternative career in the future, I'd go with Chimney Sweep. "Though I spends me time in the ashes and smoke, in this 'ole wide world there's no 'appier bloke."
Merry Christmas to you, and well done again!
Caleb Michael said...
Yep, it seems after postponing my entry into the real world – by cleverly hiding out in college for several years – my extended adolescence is about to time out.
I would still jump at a job like Bert’s, because that would additionally forestall true adulthood, but I’m fairly sure the chimney sweep industry has clamped down over the years and isn’t as lax as it used to be. You lose a couple kids of the flue and the next thing you know you’ve got a lawsuit, quality-control managers ban on-duty rooftop dancing, and insurance premiums are through the roof (no pun intended). And after all of that, guess who gets put on extended leave? No "jolly holiday" for me. Oh well...
Thanks for the encouragement and have a Merry Christmas as well.