Music: “A Little Help from My Friends” by the Beatles

So… It’s been a crazy week. I’m going to start telling full stories Monday. I’m tired, hungry, and have less than an hour before the library closes, so I know I’m not going to get everything in today.

The highlights include:

-- Working at the night editor, successfully, when my supervisor took some well deserved comp time, leaving me the end-all, say-all editor designer Monday night.

-- Hearing about, touring, and landing an apartment. It has two bedrooms (one of which I will eventually convert into a guest study/guest bedroom for all the people who have promised to visit), a living room, a kitchen, a nice bathroom, and storage/the uncarpeted portion of the basement. I’ve met my upstairs neighbor, who moved in on the same day I did, and the person seems to be nice.

-- This is closely related to the previous point, but it was getting long so I split stuff up: I have a friend who has just put his house on the market, which should go fast, and I have inherited some of his furnishing. I am told I will probably end up with more, maybe even coming home from work to find my items dropped off. When my friend told his wife about me joking about it being like Christmas, she said yeah, Christmas at the orphanage. But Virginia and I agree, it’s a Christmas nonetheless.

-- I’ve paid another phone bill. Not as noteworthy as the other items, but still, an accomplishment nonetheless.

So that’s it for now. Regular communiqués should resume on Monday without a foreseeable interruption… until mid-May that is. That’s when I have some trips coming up, but that’s another story.

For now, let me offer some samplings from my notebooks. It’s been a while, and I know some people who are going through withdrawal. Since I’m over a month behind anyway, stalling another week won’t help.

To those of you who recognize the gap, I apologize for the delay. For the rest of you who weren’t directly involved in these conversations, enjoy.

From the Notebook: No Rhyme or Reason... But pleanty of Absurd Logic

It’s a dirty Job, but someone’s got to know it:
“Didn’t his wife turn into a pillar of salt?”
“That was Lot.”
“Thank you for playing ‘People of the Bible with Three-Letter Names.’ Next up, Eve!”

“You have nice penmanship.”
“He never says that about any of my notes, so he must mean it.”
“Yeah… What is this? ‘Stork, stork, pyramid?’”

“Share you feelings over there. We don’t like feelings over here.”
Another shakes his head in agreement.

Some items in care packages don’t make the trip so well:
“Gummy Lifesavers are not supposed to be harder than regular Lifesavers.”

Commonly-heard conversation trump card:
“Oh yeah? Obviously, you’ve never ridden in a monster truck.”

On the movie, “The Ghost and the Darkness” –
“It’s based on a true story.”
“There are no demon lions in a true story.”
…
“You say horses eat people. Lions actually eat people.”
“If horses can be evil, lions can be more evil.”

A pickup line to use at Red Cross Cancer benefit:
“Hey! I’m against cancer, too. We have something in common.”

“If I was in Amanda’s position [as a page setter], I would subtlety alter the puzzles to make them insolvable.”
“This is why we do not grant you such responsibility.”
“That would be hilarious.”
“You have been tested and found wanting.”

Reading a story about a wedding at Yankee Stadium:
“‘Blind baseball reporter gets married at home plate…’ or so we told him.”

About an impersonators press release:
“Oh. I didn’t realize ‘Elvii’ was the plural of Elvis.”

“It’s going to be a long week.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s a good thing I stocked up on beef jerky and circus peanuts… Why did I say that?”

Point-counter point:
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? ‘Where’s my tractor?’”
(Prolonged paused with hanging mouths)
“He didn’t get my joke. It’s too sophisticated.”
“He’s a mutant from another planet!”

Envisioning gaps in the new security logic:
“We get secret passwords, but we all have to write them on the same paper?”
“‘Pussy willow?’”
“Who’s ‘Big Boi?’”

The lips say no, but your body language says otherwise:
“You can’t bribe me with candy.”
(Grabs candy and throws it in a drawer)

One complains when we pull a logo from online:
“Can we abuse your intellectual property?”
“See? This is why we don’t ask you to do stuff like this.”
“It’s not abuse in a cheap way.”

Plight of the copyeditor:
“No one’s going to read my whole story.”
“Well, be definition, I technically have to.”

“I’m going. I left my phone at home, so if you need me, too bad.”

On meeting Maverick’s James Garner:
“I met him at an IHOP in Casper.”
(Interrupting) “I’ve heard that.”
“They’ve all heard my stories.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as we are.”

Ethics versus apathy:
“I feel bad throwing this council packet out. It’s so thick.”
“Well, if you feel so guilty about it, you can co across the parking lot to the city hall’s recycling bin.”
CRUNCH!

Strange grammatical questions arise when writing about Jews in Nazi Germany:
“Is there an exclamation point after ‘Heil Hitler?’”
“How hard are you heiling?”

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Music: “Three’s Company theme” by Don Nicholl and Joe Paposo (in case you didn't know)

I’ve heard one needs a healthy level of insanity of life to get it through the day. The following quote log proves we believe in that, though we may set the bar a bit higher than other places.

After a reporter relays another anecdote about life with his three female roommates:
“We can’t all live in your Four’s Company world.”
Blank stare
“You’re the John Ritter.”
“It wasn’t called Four’s Company.”
“Yeah, but there weren’t four people, so I stretched it.”
“I could totally see you as the John Ritter.”

Looking at a proof on the desk of an editor who is just returning from dinner:
“What are you doing to my desk?”
“Aw… crap. I didn’t have time to set the explosives.”
“But you had over an hour.”
“I had sandwiches…”
“Justin, don’t make Caleb your partner in crime. He will always make food the priority.”

Trying to plumb the logic of the City Council:
“We thought declaring the whole area a slum would solve all the problems, but it hasn’t; in fact it has only made things more difficult!”

“I wish I had a nuclear bomb.”
“If you had a nuclear weapon, you’d have used it by now… probably on your way to work.”

On the everyday benefits of possessing a nuclear bomb:
“‘Who drank the last beer?’ ‘The jerk with the nuclear weapon.’ ‘Who parked in the handicap spot?’ ‘Just parking my nuclear weapon.’”

After handling another delivery complaint, the suggestion is made that reporters could go into distribution:
“Be a carrier? Some days I don’t like being a reporter.”

What if real life was like video games:
“Stupid slime monster, all over my nice shoes.”
“I thought I was ready to take on a troll…”
“But after two or three whacks, I knew I wasn’t. I had to drain all my health potions just to make it to work.”
“I’m not going to be able to do my beat today. I’m out of mana.”

Most of the computer folders used by the guys in the newsroom are all women names:
“If we ever have to infiltrate a group in drag, those will be our names.”
“I will be Julie.”
“While I would hope that will never happen, I’m not completely sure it wouldn’t.”

“We don’t mean to be so harsh, but the bully bill [in the state Legislature] failed, so there’s nothing holding us back.”
“So we can do whatever we want… jerk face.”

Nearing the end of a season:
“I’m so sick of basketball and swimming I could just throw stuff at people.”

Envisioning another experiment:
“If you bypass the spray off valve…”
“As in, disable the failsafe?”
“Whatever… Sorry, Mr. Safety.”

After an official uses the adjective “proficient” to describe waste managers:
“You know, I don’t want my waste managers just to be ‘proficient.’ I want my waste managers to be spectacular.”

“That boy isn’t right.”
“Yeah, but the problem it's partially our fault.”

“Is there a polite way to tell someone there is a cancerous growth on their face?”
“I don’t know. Try asking Miss Manners.”

Imagining the end result of another experiment with our favorite guinea pig:
“‘Zac, are you brain damaged?’ ‘Flargle, marple erg bip!’ ‘That could go either way.’”

On ultimate electric shock laser/taser tag:
“You know they don’t have laser guns that hurt people.”
“Ours would.”

What we have here is a failure to communicate:
“No, I didn’t do any stories on Hawaiians today.”
“Himalayas!”
Pause
“Or Himalayans.”

On radon:
“I don’t really think of it as a noble gas. I think of it more as a white trash gas.”

“I like the charge ‘contributing to the delinquency of a minor.’”
“That’s always been one of my favorite charges.”
“I know people who’ve bragged about that – not being charged, but the act itself. ‘Just to let you know what I’m doing is considering contributing to the delinquency of a minor.’”
“I like it when they misspell it so it’s contributing to the delinquency of someone who works in a mine.”
“It’d take something serious to contribute to the delinquency of a miner.”

“Hey pot? It’s kettle. You’re black.”

“There are always bar fights when we go out.”
“You might want to frequent different places.”

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Music: “Centerfield” by John Fogerty

I think the staff microwave is about to crash.

Either that or it doesn't like me.

It's taken to making weird noises when it's working (more than just the usual "whrrrr"). The lights have taken to flickering or even completely cutting out.

I've also been slightly shocked on more than one occasion this week.

With all the fluxuations and the bizarre behavior, I'm not longer confident being in the same room as its working. I somewhat wonder if it is leaking microwaves and I may be rendering myself sterile as I wait for my Hot Pockets. I have a friend who once worked a satellite remote truck for a local TV station and he relayed to me the lecture he got about the danger of being in the way of the microwaves. Granted, I may have misunderstood him and thus misapplied the lesson he meant to impart, but it has lead to the semi-serious concerns I have know.

This is all bad because most of my evening meals require microwaving. Otherwise, it's extra crunchy noodles for Caleb. Anyway, I guess I’ll stock up on more sandwich supplies the next chance I get.

I believe in the battle between man and machine, man will win. This is largely because no matter how sophisticated chips and processors have gotten, to my knowledge they haven’t built a machine that can expertly wield a baseball bat.

I don’t care how smart Deep Blue and his ilk are. If I was allowed to employ my bat in the match, I could totally beat the computer in chess.

Someday, computers may become more dexterous and agile, and then we’ll be forced to make a hard decision.

Personally, when it comes down to toaster vs. baseball bat, I’ll take the bat and build a fire to crisp my bread.

But that’s just me.

And that’s what I may have to do soon when the microwave goes out, as long as it doesn’t take me with it.

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Music: “By the Way” by Red Hot Chili Peppers

“By the way I tried to say
I’d be there, waiting for…”


If it’s Monday, and I flashback posted after spending some mornings reading instead of writing, it’s a belated recap day.

I didn’t post much last week. A combination of factors hit me hard – time change, diet, wanting a change in routine, tempting reading material, laziness, acute sensitivity to gravity, etc – and I didn’t make it to the library much. I kept composing a lot of stuff, primarily mentally or orally (I like repeating dialog as I’m writing it, though I’m sure that has drawn me some stares along the way).

And as for this week, I was wrapped up in a good book and determined to finish it as quickly as possible. Part of me hates the fact that it took about 48 hours to chew through the 600-page tome, but since I’m working some full time the other half of the brain tells me to cut myself some slack.

Anyway after all that delay, here’s an abnormally short recap.

Last Monday, April 3, I predict more spring snow storms and lament daylight-saving time. This week includes the instant classic hobo quote log.

And

then

nothing

for

a

little

while

….

And then on Friday jumping back a couple notebooks (and a couple months) I share quotes I collected during my first few weeks in Wyoming in which I am repeatedly called Padmé by a person who doesn’t know Star Wars vocabulary very well.

Saturday I explained the interruption in the blog transmissions and partake in the 10 simple pleasures meme that is making its way across the net. Though some may have been a bit worried by the posting gap, I’m happy to say all the simple pleasures listed had been experienced within the two days prior to the entry.

To come: Daylight-saving mishaps and the previously mentioned musical review and talk about “benes and more.”

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Music: “Feeling Alright” by Joe Cocker

I felt off most of this previous week. I apologize for not saying anything sooner.

For most of the week, it seemed it was all I could do to scrape myself together to get to work on time. I felt better as the week went on, which is not how things usually progress. I felt my strongest on Friday and Saturday and am looking forward to putting this lethargic funk behind me next week.

I went ahead and backlogged a Friday quote log, for those of you who keep looking for them. I also have a little meme to pass on.

I usually don’t do these unless tapped, but reading this on a friend’s site made me smile and I thought I might help propagate it without being asked:

Name 10 of life's simple pleasures that you’ve recently experienced

10) Eating while leisurely reading a book.

9) Being able to stretch out on your back in a park.

8) Watching trains rumble by.

7) Hearing a rarely-used phrase repeated cunningly, especially if I’m the one employing it.

6) Drinking chocolate milk straight from the container.

5) Listening to birds twittering in the trees.

4) Finding money while walking down the sidewalk (or counterfeit bills slick enough to pass off on your friends).

3) Watching kids dig in dirt, especially if you aren’t responsible for cleaning them up later.

2) Randomly running into friends while you’re out an about.

1) Waking up at your own pace, without the assistance of an infernal alarm clock.

Feel free to post your own simple pleasures (and it need not be 10), or bugging your blogging friends to do the same.

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Music: “Alley Oop” by the Hollywood Argyles

A Flashback post: Both in timing and content.

I found f collection of quotes from my first few weeks in Wyoming that I thought would be worth sharing. This will only further prove the claim that I don’t keep up with the quotes well enough and that I’m poorly organized, but hey, I think this quotes are
interesting enough to weather such criticism.

Regular punch line about community complaints:
“It’s all because we stopped running Alley Oop.”

Publisher opening a staff meeting with an icebreaker:
“You’re all fired!”

Three phrases technically banned regarding the system overhaul (though they still seem to have survived, if not thrived in some corners):
- “The old system was better.”
- “We’ve always done it that way.”
- “That’s not my job.”

“I don’t have a drinking problem. The rest of the world has a sobriety problem.”

“If you say you’re sorry, but you keep laughing, it kinda loses its effect.”

Thirty minutes before press deadline:
“I always tell people you don’t want me editing on the page, because at that point all facts look unimportant. You don’t need that. Blah!”

On caffeine:
“I’m not really addicted, I just need some every day.”
“Isn’t that the definition of addiction?”

Political exercises:
“He’s running for treasurer in a quasi-roundabout way. He’s asking people for money and says, he’ll see what will happen.”
“I should do that.”

On the lack of noteworthy court cases:
“All our murderers have pleaded out lately – big babies…”

After several teenagers crash a county meeting to complete a civics assignment:
“Hanging out with high school students. I didn’t even like hanging out with them when I was in high school.”

On the number of recent business leader deaths:
“Two is a coincidence. Three is a conspiracy.”

On another African-based e-mail money scam:
“Has the IRS ever given you money?”
“It was… my money.”
“Did they ever give you any of their money?”

Carving space for the new guys:
“Are you making fun of my desk?”
“No, I’m making fun of your lack of desk.”
“Hey! It’s a time-share. You’ll get it this afternoon.”

After critiquing another paper’s reporting:
“You should not make fun of the mentally handicapped, Stephanie.”

On a reporter’s hatred of “Forest Gump” the movie:
“So anything that is innocent and pure you dislike?”

Upon viewing a very-low rent/maintenance apartment:
“My mother would cry if I lived there.”

Starting the routine of proofing a page:
“I was going to give it to your Padmé; you know, since he’s Luke and you’re Yoda.”
“Do you mean ‘padawan,’ because otherwise it would mean you were calling him a girl.”
“Wow, I’ve never been compared to Natalie Portman before.”

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Music: “Jolly Mon Sing” by Jimmy Buffet

If it’s Monday, and I didn’t sleep in too late thanks to the cursed daylight-saving conversion, it’s recap day.

Not too much stuff happened this past week. This is a good thing compared to some days. I’ve experienced enough to appreciate the plateaus in life that come become the sharp climbs and declines.

Anyway, here’s the rundown:

Last Monday, March 27, varied topics reviewed included a crazy St. Patrick phone call, online quizzes, and pointers for my burial notice. It was just one of those weeks…

Tuesday Lady Luck develops an attitude and the office betting pool on the Men’s NCAA tournament goes to pieces, and thus, math is statistically proved fallible.

Wednesday we have the weekly quote log with hobos aplenty (Note: No hobos were harmed in the producing of this post. Though some of us were initially disappointed by this fact, we have later admitted it was a good thing, even if we missed out on more punch lines.)

Thursday in a very short post, I outline an important culinary observation. There are very few things that you can mix blue-flavored Gatorade with. Blue-flavored Powerade has more options; I know this from experience. My mistake was from mistakenly thinking I could apply blue Gatorade to all the foods I have applied blue Powerade to. I repeat my mistake so that others can avoid it. Note: Yes, this summary is longer than the original post, but since some people asked about it, I thought I'd add some context.

Friday when a mental block hits me, and I find myself unable to force thoughts on subjects I had previously planned to write about, I compose an open letter to my time-shared Muse.

Saturday based on an earlier similarly themed post, I do a free form association … partially because of sleep deprivation (getting up early to hit a before noon sale on the strip), partly because of it being April Fool’s Day. I understand it, but then, I wrote it. Good luck to the rest of you.

To come: Daylight-saving mishaps and the previously mentioned musical review and talk about “benes and more.”

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Music: “The Logical Song” by Supertramp

Note, additional context information: Nonsense and/or wisdom inspired by writing posting rambling by former co-worker, Hatchling, friend Beth.

Tired sleepy drained squeezed I myself feel, dragging lugging heavy cumbersome bag of bones, muscles.

Sleep rest rejuvenation lacking insufficient. In complete. Connections faulty. Wires spark but no illumination exists sustained or lasting.

Quirky jumpy brain neurons firing blasting racing charging down along network roads pathways nerve highways.

Getting lost, misdirected.

Confusion, disorientated listing to a halt. Crashing, settling, surrendering, atrophying .

Blip!

Something unknown mysterious question mark sighted, but unglimpsed.

Zing! Zounds! Zoom!

Hope, possibility shimmers. Shinning, electric-blue coursing butterfly pulses, beckons in the darkness.

Flittering, diving, sailing, swooping through around between shadows and shades. Glittering twinkling trail of fairy dust footsteps trace a fiery trail.

Chasing, pursing, lungs huffing and heaving, ever in motion after elusive fleeting shooting star specter or spectre.

As progression made distance crossed traversed, black gaping swallowing chasm lightens. Grays. Becomes enlivened by blues, purples, reds, oranges, yellows, greens. Rainbow.

Everywhere ever-present cacophony of dancing flapping wings emerge, arrive, celebrate.

Gloom dark shroud left behind, abandoned and unwanted. Left for some blinded lost clueless unperceiving rambling – like once I was – to put one and descend drop plunge into self deception nothingness, dreamless dreams.

Such concerns worries troublings not mine, possess not.

I, me shall concentrate focus direct energy on reveling embracing sharing with looping happy, joyful electric sprites of wonder awe potential.

Bright, charged, kinetic we us all is be are.

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