I’ve heard one needs a healthy level of insanity of life to get it through the day. The following quote log proves we believe in that, though we may set the bar a bit higher than other places.
After a reporter relays another anecdote about life with his three female roommates:
“We can’t all live in your Four’s Company world.”
Blank stare
“You’re the John Ritter.”
“It wasn’t called Four’s Company.”
“Yeah, but there weren’t four people, so I stretched it.”
“I could totally see you as the John Ritter.”
Looking at a proof on the desk of an editor who is just returning from dinner:
“What are you doing to my desk?”
“Aw… crap. I didn’t have time to set the explosives.”
“But you had over an hour.”
“I had sandwiches…”
“Justin, don’t make Caleb your partner in crime. He will always make food the priority.”
Trying to plumb the logic of the City Council:
“We thought declaring the whole area a slum would solve all the problems, but it hasn’t; in fact it has only made things more difficult!”
“I wish I had a nuclear bomb.”
“If you had a nuclear weapon, you’d have used it by now… probably on your way to work.”
On the everyday benefits of possessing a nuclear bomb:
“‘Who drank the last beer?’ ‘The jerk with the nuclear weapon.’ ‘Who parked in the handicap spot?’ ‘Just parking my nuclear weapon.’”
After handling another delivery complaint, the suggestion is made that reporters could go into distribution:
“Be a carrier? Some days I don’t like being a reporter.”
What if real life was like video games:
“Stupid slime monster, all over my nice shoes.”
“I thought I was ready to take on a troll…”
“But after two or three whacks, I knew I wasn’t. I had to drain all my health potions just to make it to work.”
“I’m not going to be able to do my beat today. I’m out of mana.”
Most of the computer folders used by the guys in the newsroom are all women names:
“If we ever have to infiltrate a group in drag, those will be our names.”
“I will be Julie.”
“While I would hope that will never happen, I’m not completely sure it wouldn’t.”
“We don’t mean to be so harsh, but the bully bill [in the state Legislature] failed, so there’s nothing holding us back.”
“So we can do whatever we want… jerk face.”
Nearing the end of a season:
“I’m so sick of basketball and swimming I could just throw stuff at people.”
Envisioning another experiment:
“If you bypass the spray off valve…”
“As in, disable the failsafe?”
“Whatever… Sorry, Mr. Safety.”
After an official uses the adjective “proficient” to describe waste managers:
“You know, I don’t want my waste managers just to be ‘proficient.’ I want my waste managers to be spectacular.”
“That boy isn’t right.”
“Yeah, but the problem it's partially our fault.”
“Is there a polite way to tell someone there is a cancerous growth on their face?”
“I don’t know. Try asking Miss Manners.”
Imagining the end result of another experiment with our favorite guinea pig:
“‘Zac, are you brain damaged?’ ‘Flargle, marple erg bip!’ ‘That could go either way.’”
On ultimate electric shock laser/taser tag:
“You know they don’t have laser guns that hurt people.”
“Ours would.”
What we have here is a failure to communicate:
“No, I didn’t do any stories on Hawaiians today.”
“Himalayas!”
Pause
“Or Himalayans.”
On radon:
“I don’t really think of it as a noble gas. I think of it more as a white trash gas.”
“I like the charge ‘contributing to the delinquency of a minor.’”
“That’s always been one of my favorite charges.”
“I know people who’ve bragged about that – not being charged, but the act itself. ‘Just to let you know what I’m doing is considering contributing to the delinquency of a minor.’”
“I like it when they misspell it so it’s contributing to the delinquency of someone who works in a mine.”
“It’d take something serious to contribute to the delinquency of a miner.”
“Hey pot? It’s kettle. You’re black.”
“There are always bar fights when we go out.”
“You might want to frequent different places.”
said...
Curse you, Caleb for mentioning noble gasses! Now I'll have Mr. Miller stuck in my head all day.
Caleb Michael said...
Sorry about that. That was an unintended foul.
Some instructors are better left forgot... Of course, part of me still takes twisted pleasure in knowing that "Caleb" made the list of names that Mr. and Mrs. Miller would never name their children.
That is a badge of honor I still wear proudly.