“Many think they're brainy, but they haven't a clue.
And I think I'm clever ‘cos I'm singing this to you.”
Content now. Explanation later.
“Any photo ideas?”
“The wind’s blowing like a mad monkey.”
“So, take a picture of the wind?”
“How?”
On drug addicts and their habits:
“It says tweakers crave sweets.”
“I thought they didn’t eat.”
“Or do they only eat sugar?”
“Like who do we know like that…”
Everyone looks at the desk well-stocked with food and candy
“I know where this is going. Shut up. And for the record, I have Wheat Thins on my desk.”
“We all know you fill the boxes with sugar.”
A Wheat Thin is thrown at a reporter and subsequently eaten.
On hearing that the basement is flooding:
“How much? Do we need to build an ark? How long is a cubit?”
“Got a problem? Got something to say?”
“I think my face has already said all I have to say. In fact, my face almost exclusively says all I have to say.”
“Unless you’re going to start sign language.”
On the police blotter:
“Drunk driver, drunk pedestrian. You can’t win. Drunk rickshaw…”
Editorializing on a artist’s downplaying of her educational background:
“I wasn’t smart enough to ‘graduate’ because I wasn’t smart enough to ‘apply.’”
“‘Educational flaws can be overcome with a strong composition.’” As in, I didn’t get a degree, but I think my stuff looks good.”
After experts examine a long-suffering computer:
“You all have perplexed some of the biggest computer geeks I’ve met.”
“Cool.”
“The pirate radio is disappointing.”
“Yeah. It’s not about radio for pirates. There would be more sea chanteys, talk about where to find the best grog.”
“A lot of thinly veiled ‘booty’ references.”
“Statistics are failing. Math, you vile mistress.”
A common lecture:
“See what you did? I told you to use your power for good, not evil.”
“But it’s so hard. It’s weird, but in the long run it’s more enjoyable.”
Later…
“You know how I told you to use your power for good and not evil? I changed my mind.”
“Sweet! Evil it is.”
On a meal of Easy Mac:
“You dinner reminds me of sea monkeys.”
There is a pause while people stare
“Mix Packet 1 and Packet 2 and add water.”
It seems not everyone loves circus peanuts and Neco Wafers:
“I’m going to write a letter to your mother telling her she has horrible taste in candy.”
Envying this easy life of a local entrepreneur/hack:
“I could be a great pet psychic.”
“Your sarcasm would totally get in the way.”
“You’re right.”
“Your kitty says I’m not paid enough.”
“Your cat says you’re gullible.”
“California is slipping into the ocean.”
“I’m rooting for the ocean.”
On exercise:
“Maybe it would be nice not to get heart disease when I’m 50. Naah….”
When the network is down:
“Time to employ investigative skills. Internet, you have failed me. I must employ different methods.”
“Like speaking to people.”
“There are more important things than money.”
“Like the things you buy with money.”
“I’ll take greed any day.”
After a Medicaid question temporarily leaves two reporters and an editor temporarily stumped:
“Rock, paper, scissors?”
“We are not resolving facts with rock, paper, scissors!”
After a guy criticizes the city council:
“Was he wearing a funny hat?”
“No.”
“If I ever made fun of the council, I’d dress up. I’d wear, like, a sombrero and a super hero cape. ‘You’re the biggest bunch of crazies I’ve ever seen.’”
After taking the rambunctious kids to a nice restaurant:
“So how’d the family dinner go?”
“Got my Tylenol. I’m good.”
Commenting on a story about a wild animal in New York:
“So how do you think a coyote got to Central Park?”
“Same old story: Country kid comes to the city. Naively gets mixed up with the wrong crowd.”
“Pretty soon he’s hanging out with the junkies and whores in Central Park.”
Discussing the company insurance policy:
“In case he has an accident, or in case he has an ‘accident’ going down the stairs.”
“Thanks for putting quotation marks around that.”
“I was implying that it wouldn’t really be an accident.”
“I get ‘finger quotations.’”
“Caleb is freaked out by finger quotes, or maybe we should say ‘freaked out’ by finger quotes.”
Criticizing writing:
“If Zac didn’t write like a crazed monkey…”
“Monkeys can’t write.”
“They can too. It just won’t be English… or probably any other human language."
