My brain has been partially bamboozled by the massive influx of information on my first day.
My noodly sponge has nearly reached maximum absorption. I am taking copious notes in the hope that my hand will capture and retain what consciousness can’t.
On my evening break - having polished off a pastrami, flipped through an old issue of “Time,” and shared a conversation (and some chocolates) with a woman who has worked at the paper for 35 years (in addition to 20 more years of newspaper experience) - I decided to let my brain wander.
What is to follows is a purposely nonsensical scribbling purposely composed to eschew any serious meaning or moral. You’ve been warned.
“Do you know where a guy can rent or purchase a badger at this time of night?”
“Right here, sir. Do you have a preference on color?”
”Umm… Not really. I hadn’t thought much about that attribute. Just one that was, you know, badger-colored.”
“I know what you mean. What are your intentions for this badger, anyway?”
“Do I have to tell?”
“Look - there are federal regulations I have to follow here.”
“Stupid legislators and their ‘Badger and Salamander Act of 2006.’”
“Hey! Be thankful they removed some of the more strenuous provisions at the last minute. Otherwise you’d have to go through a three-day waiting period and background check.”
“The Badger Enthusiast lobby is much more powerful than the general public would think.”
“Don’t I know it! Nevertheless, I must ask you, for the record, what is your intended use for the badger? Professional or person?”
“Professional… Personal… Both.”
“Okay… Let’s put these forms aside for a moment and talk this out. Maybe this will help you sort things.”
“Alright. Okay, I work as a groundskeeper/handyman for my grandmother, you see? I keep everything running ship-shape on the property. A month ago, Grandma’s garden developed an infestation amongst her mums that can only be eradicated by a badger.”
“Sounds purely professional to me.”
“I know, but I’m not technically employed in the legal sense.”
“But you just said…”
“I do work for my grandma, but I’m not paid in legal tender. She gives me a room and board and sometimes even lets me borrow her car so I can park in handicap spots right next to stores. She has one of those wheelchair tag things.”
“So I guessed.”
“But anyway, from the government’s standpoint - especially the IRS - I have no taxable income. I’m not really working. My Granny even claims me as a dependent. As far as the law is concerned, all I’m doing is being a good grandson. That means the badger is, in principle, for personal use.”
“Your situation does defy simple definition.”
“Such is the story of my life.”
“I can’t just check one box. Since I now know your story, doing so would be fraud. I might lose my license and be barred from ever selling badgers and salamanders again.”
“‘Tis true.”
“And I can’t check both boxes. That would be sure to draw an investigation. I’m sure the prolonged interrogation would prove you and I to be innocent, but it’s certainly not worth that hassle.”
“Exactly. Maybe I might be better off trying to catch my own badger.”
“Just to remind you, you’re going to need a stack of waffles, a tennis racket, anti-bacterial soap, duct tape, a xylophone, and three forms of identification. That is, if you want to meet the federal standards on the subject.”
“I appreciate the reminder. I’d hate to go through all that trouble just to be forced to let the badger loose.”
“I hate to lose your business, but that’s the way things go sometimes.”
“Thanks for being patient with me.”
“It was no trouble at all. Say, I don’t suppose I could interest you in some salamanders before you go, could I?”
“‘Fraid not.”
“That’s what I figured. Take care.”
“Thanks. And same to you. Man… My Grandma’s gonna kill me if I don’t get a badger soon to defend her mums.”
“That’s the third time that’s happened this week. Stupid needless government interference.”
Protect Granny’s mums! Tell your local congressional representative to vote ‘No’ on the Badger and Salamander Act of 2006.
said...
said...
"shared a conversation (and some chocolates) with a woman who has worked at the paper for 35 years (in addition to 20 more years of newspaper experience)"
Sounds like Caleb has a new girlfriend, everyone! It's nice that he doesn't let the massive age difference restrain his passion.
Caleb Michael said...
Two things -
First, Miriam gives candy to EVERYBODY. I've been told she gives away more food than she actually eats.
Second, between her frequent trips to Las Vegas and spoiling her cat, she's too busy to look for a "gentleman friend."
said...
"Second, between her frequent trips to Las Vegas and spoiling her cat, she's too busy to look for a "gentleman friend." "
So, you've asked? Well, sorry to hear that she rejected you, but I'll give you props for trying.