“Don't be believin'.
Looks are deceivin'.”
I earlier explored what it was like to listen to wild animals with a mangled ear. Today I’m hoping to make the scope more domestic, or at least domesticated.
I’ve been on a lot of walks lately. While I haven’t been surrounded by a pack of wolves – you can rest easier on that, Mom – I have had a lot of close encounters with dogs. In most cases chain links and wooden boards prevented things from getting too personal.
Verbal exchanges were allowed, however, and I took the opportunity to engage in some research of my own when it came to what man’s best friends had to say. I worked hard to conjure my own inner-dog whisperer to be able to share what are on dogs minds.
What is to follows is a sampling of my canine conversations:
Note: I’ve cut out all the bad language and excessively vulgar anti-cat propaganda. The rest is presented with the same grammar and wording, though I did run spelchek on everything.
“Yelp! Bow wow! Woof! Whimper bark”
“A fur-crazed woman has kidnapped 99 puppies and we need to alert the London Bark? Are you sure you haven’t simply watched too many Disney movies lately?”
“Woof, woof, ruff!”
“Yes, I also believe the animated original was much superior to the live-action remake. And that’s not even taking into account the sequel.”
“Grrrrr! Yelp!”
“That’s what I said.”
A miniature mutt calls a balcony:
“Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip yip, yip yip, yip yip, yip yip, yip yip, yip!”
“I understand. As a Libertarian, I’m sure you strongly my oppose lease laws both on principle and in practice.”
It’s amazing to see how human music has influenced animals:
“Bark, yelp, yip, yip. Woof, woof, woof, woof!”
“You want to know, ‘Where are the Baja Men and when they’re going to let you out?’ Sorry, can’t help you there.”
“Snarl…. BARK, BARK, BARK GRRRRR!”
“I see. ‘You’re gonna get free, you’re gonna get free. You’re gonna get free and ride into the sun.’ Well good luck with that.”
“Bow bark wow! Grr… Yip, grrr!”
“You believe ‘Bob Barker should be spayed or neutered.’ Well, I know it’s a strange sign-off catchphrase for a game show host, but I don’t think he should be surgically punished for a well-meaning campaign.”
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Yelp!”
“Okay. Agree to disagree.”
“Snarl! BARK! BARK!”
“Well same to you, pay.”
“Yip, yip, yelp”
“Oh, they already did. Well… I hope it heals quickly. And remember, don’t pick at those stitches.
Note: I like listening to dogs that are riding in vehicles the best. In a drive-by bark, you only have a few seconds to convey your thoughts. Thanks to this, these are some of the most direct, concise statements you will ever hear from a dog.
“Yelp! Woof!”
“Yes, we should ‘Free Tibet!’”
“Bark! Yip! Bark!”
“‘Spice Girls forever?’ I think somebody’s living in the past.”
An especially rabid Rottweiler bangs up against a fence, eager to share his story.
“Bark, bark, bow wow, woof!”
“What’s that girl? You ate Timmy? And what else?”
“Bark! Ruff! Grr…”
“And he was delicious? Bad girl! No biscuit for you.”
“Awwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“I’m sorry you have the blues. I hope things look up for you soon.”
