Sometimes we use polite language to cover harsher realities. Sometimes this is out of respect for others; sometimes it’s to protect ourselves. It’s politically correct malarkey either way, but it’s commonly accepted.
I’m often asked, “What are you doing these days?” The stark reply is, “I don’t have a job, so not much…”
Such direct phrasing shocks people and often leads to extended, awkward silences. While a comedic pregnant pause can enhance the humor on TV or in movies, living through one is less than pleasant (though whether I or my conversation partner is most discomforted is up for debate).
Due to that, I have developed a number of deft verbal modifications that lessen the impact. It’s like wrapping a boxing glove in cotton candy, making any blows that land softer and sweeter.
At lunch today, I saw another trapped by the same quandary that had often hounded me: “So what are you looking to be doing?”
I was tipped off by the prolonged, beleaguered “Welllll….” I recognize that sound well; it is the “Call of the Mild” for those who don’t know how to say they don’t know the next step. (It makes sense, really. If I don’t know where I’m going, how should I be able to easily explain to you that I don’t know where I’m going?)
Knowing I was a couple of years (and rounds) ahead of him, I thought I’d take this punch on his behalf.
I interrupted his hesitant beginnings, noted them for what they were, and said that it was okay since I had developed seven or eight different ways off communicating the same thing.
And this was where I slipped up.
After this statement, I was immediately challenged to repeat this list of excuses in rapid-fire order.
Apollo Creed landed a solid hit and I felt my stance weaken.
Now, I’d been practicing many of my different responses prior to this blow by “The Count of Monte Fisto," or "Master of Disaster," if you prefer. It was a crowded dinner and my lack of employment had been discovered in the course of several conversations.
Still, the numbers I’d given were a bluff and you can only make so much out of nothing. I believe I rattled off four before freezing up. I could have squeaked out more, but the jig was already up.
I was later told I could have written them down, should I have reached that number. While I would be loathe to keep such a list on my person, here I produce a delayed list of underemployed allusions.
And we shall start with “Welllll…”
“I’ve been exclusively working around the house.”
“I’m re-evaluating my job opportunities and have yet to select a new direction to go in.”
“I’m engaged in tight negotiations of a sort that I’m currently not at liberty to detail.”
“I presently lack viable employment offers, though I am striving to broaden the available scope.”
“I’m acting as an additional theft-deterrent measure on behalf of my parent’s property.”
“I’m between paychecks. Way between paychecks in that I don’t know when the next one is coming or from where it will be from.”
“I’m spending a lot of quality time on my parent’s couch.”
“I’m seeking inner realization and rationalization to fully grasp my possible potential; and in between that I watch soap operas.”
“I am seeking to correct a recent deficit in my personal production quotas.”
“I’m participating in what my English professor described as a ‘stop over,’ which is a fancy term for being a bum.”
“Ever hear of a employer being hindered by a ‘union-directed work stoppage’? Well I’m an employee hindered by difficulty with a ‘work startage.’”
“Over the course of my frequent outings, I’m trying to definitively answer how many roads must a man walk down before he is a man. I’m told the answer is blowing in the wind.”
“I perfecting my practice of peaceful resistance. If it means I resist work as well, so be it.”
“My use of resources is, regrettably, inversely proportionate to my export of assets.”
“I’m testing an alternative form of revenue generation. If you crunch the digits, the odds of winning the lottery are about the same regardless of whether or not you buy a ticket, so I’m just waiting for the right numbers to come up.”
“Ain’t misbehaving.”
“Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time twiddling my thumbs clockwise; counter-clockwise, too.”
“I’ve been developing a series of street performance pieces where I illustrate the futility of man, though my productions have been limited to living room recitals.”
“I am caught in a reverse-work flow situation.”
“At the present time, I am stymied by the business catch-22 where you need experience to be employed and you need to be employed to gain experience.”
And my simple favorite, “I’m actively unemployed.”
