It’s time for another quote log. For my co-workers who read these and think they’re dated, you’re right. These come from my old steno pad while I’ve already moved on to another ever-present notebook. For the rest of you, you shouldn’t notice any difference. Forget I said anything.
“Wyoming – where we don’t have a lottery, but you can buy fireworks big enough to shoot down a plane.”
“Where’s Stephanie?”
“Zac fired her.”
“He doesn’t have the authority to do that.”
“We didn’t tell her that.”
“What’s wrong with goat cheese?”
“It’s made from goats.”
Strange office bets:
“I could totally eat a ream of paper.”
“Women can see more colors than men can, which is why I can’t dress myself. I need spousal approval.”
“I’m not doing anything that involves touching animals at the fair.”
“You might not have a choice.”
“I’m not touching any animals at the fair!”
“The chance of snow is ‘100 percent.’ I don’t believe that. Nothing is 100 percent.”
“‘Fink’ is an unfortunate name to have in politics.”
Dictionary debate:
“What dictionary are you using?”
“Merriam-Webster.”
“It’s a crock.”
“But Webster was a…”
“No. I agree. Webster was great. Merriam sucks.”
Pepper spray defense:
“Did you ever think that if you cover yourself in bacon fat the mace would roll off?”
“You’ve thought about this?”
“What did he say?”
One of life’s imponderables:
“Would you prefer death by Pauly Shore or Carrot Top?”
“I want to go someplace warmer and bigger, which means I will be forced to go to a town of 5,000… in Alaska.”
The internet goes out:
“We’re crippled! We can’t access useless information at a moment’s notice.”
With the system down, efficiency strangely improves:
“We’re going to have the paper done by 8:00.”
“Jeez! We were bored. There was nothing to do but work.”
Our publisher’s final failsafe for a network meltdown:
“Worst comes to worst, we still have a manual typewriter.”
“You question my pirating skills?”
“I question your pirating skills! Two legs, two eyes – what kind of pirate are you?”
When people dress the same, the color of envy becomes an issue:
“Even Kermit [the stuffed animal on my desk] is green.”
“Don’t you feel left out, Zac?”
“I feel like such a loser.”
“If you do, it shouldn’t be for that. There are so many other reasons.”
Commenting on the collective common sense of this season’s “Survivor” outcasts:
“On Gilligan’s Island, these are the people who would have voted the Professor off first.”
Job security ain’t what it used to be:
“We decided to replace you with five monkeys.”
“At least I rated five.”
Commenting on a headline concerning Martina McBride:
“‘McBride retains Kansas values.’ So… corn and corn. What else do they value in Kansas?”
“Tornado shelters?”
“You walked back and forth to Hastings. Are you mad?”
“Driven.”
“Bored?”
“Bored.”
