Here’s the weekly quote log. You know the drill… no one specifically named unless identified in the quote… yadda, yadda, yadda… Enjoy.
After the City Council declares a hefty portion of the city blighted or slummed, and expresses its displeasure with our coverage, we wait to see what the Urban Renewal Board meeting will do with the powers of eminent domain:
“Today, if they’re going to go after anyone, it’s going to be the Rocket [Daily-Miner].”
Headlines we’d write if we really wanted to incite the public:
“‘City Council to kill kittens!’ ‘Police Department telling kids there is no Santa Claus!’”
“What’s wrong with goat cheese?”
“It’s made from goats.”
As part of his beat, a reporter gets a poster that warns of common materials people purchase to make meth:
“Looking for something?”
“I’m looking at Justin’s poster.”
“Seeing what you need to pick up on the way home?”
“Shut up!”
“All I need is coffee filters. Yes!”
Miscellaneous curse:
“Crap in a monkey’s hat!”
Repeating a quote in a zoning dispute:
“‘We’d rather see cattle on the land than subdivisions.’”
“Heh, heh. I was just imagining cattle in subdivisions.”
Commonly repeated question:
“Is Garry talking about Zorro, again?”
On low budget “riverboat” gambling:
“It’s not like you can buy a rowboat.”
“It’s Zac’s turn to row now. My turn to roll dice.”
I didn’t catch the context, but this is good advice regardless of your situation:
“I don’t think you want pets that have developed a taste for human flesh.”
“I’m going to start a rock band named Laptop Death Match.”
“Nice…”
“That’s actually a good band name.”
Adopting a stilted, quasi-British accent: “We are… Laptop Death Match!
(Stunned silence)
“This is not rebel music! This is… Laptop Death Match!”
“Okay…”
“Wow! You made that even creepier.”
On establishing a local social life:
“It all depends on if you’re looking for women… or men.”
“Well then… I’m going to have to go with ‘looking for women.’ No offense.”
“Me too.”
“Not that you aren’t a fine specimen of a man, if I do say so myself.”
Proportional memories:
“By the time I got to high school, I don’t think I could still fit into a locker.”
“I could still fit into a locker.”
“I wish I had a midget I could pay to do things. I think I could have a lot more fun with a midget as my employee.”
Overheard on the police scanner:
Dispatcher: “The women’s bathroom needs paper towels and there aren’t any in the janitor’s closet.”
After a brief historical discussion about Spanish Inquisitors discovering that goats licking people’s feet was the most effective method of torture, because the body can turn off pain receptors, but not pleasure centers:
“Hey, Justin. How do you spell ‘cannot’?”
“With one word.”
“And what’s going to happen the next time I see you spell it incorrectly?”
Whispered: “Don’t tell her about the goat thing.”
About a deer hunter who left his kill hanging in the basement for a week:
“It certainly sounds fishy.”
“Or gamey.”
“Ha! I counter your passion with my apathy!”
“Did everybody huff paint this weekend but me?”
On unnecessary guilt derived when you can’t explain why convoluted educational guidelines are being implemented because the school board is even more clueless than you are:
“If the captain of the ship doesn’t know where the boat is going, why should you be concerned that you don’t know? Whatever you want, Captain Ahab! I’ll keep an eye out for the white whale.”
“Call me Ishmael.”
Paradox of the press:
“It’s not like we try to make people look like morons…”
“It just comes out that way, sometimes.”
said...
Once again, I LOVE the quotes! That is my favorite thing of things you do. Oh yeah, I've always said that I'd love to buy a midget! YUM!
said...
Curse you, Cory; you've broken Caleb's streak of posts with no comments! Now he'll have to start all over again. :P
Caleb Michael said...
Keith, I don't say this very often, but in this case don't be so helpful.
Cory, I can only imagine the fun you'd have with a spunky midget sidekick (or lackey, depending on the bond you wish to form with him). Those are interesting hijinxs to imagine.
said...
I don't know what the heck this post was about but it made me chuckle with humorous words!
Caleb Michael said...
Sorry. People need to be careful about the knowledge they assume about their audience.
This is another bunch of quotes recorded in the workplace. The fact that few of them actually have to do with work is an editorial decision because the non-work related stuff is typically more entertaining.
I could relate a conversation about the definition of "agate"
(both the geological and journalism terms) that occured today for proof, but I'd hate to do that to people I consider friends.