I’m not sure if it has a specific beef with me (maybe the fact that I never named it) or whether I’m the most direct outlet when it strikes out at the world. The only thing I know for sure is that it ate the post I stayed up late working on and now seems to be having digestive troubles.
A noise that sounds eerily like electronic demon crickets holding a deathmatch keeps emanating from my hard drive. I fear the end will be soon (either for the glitch or the computer).
I wonder if this would still be happening if my crucifix was in storage. Those who have come to me for tech support know that one of the first questions I ask is, “Do you have a crucifix?” I’m only partially joking when I ask this. One of my graduation presents from high school was a small wooden cross which I would post on my desk (where my computer was also located). More than one technical anomaly strangely corrected itself when I’d start threatening the computer with the crucifix. I never actually struck my PC with it, but the mere mentioning of the possibility would coincide with that measure becoming unnecessary. I’d wager it was always a coincidence (like my “ability” to make golfers miss putts by blowing at the ball – something that is only rarely attempted, has tenuous logic behind it, and has never been performed under strict scientific protocols). But while my wooden cross remains packaged up in a box marked “keepsakes,” my computer is going on the fritz. Correlation? Let’s save that for others to decide.
Anyway, while certain programs flickered and spontaneously opened or closed themselves, I found that I still had access to my music library. I wondered how one might musically score a meltdown, so I pit some selections against the angry chirps and blips of the conflicted machine.
I’ve always had a very eclectic ear. All my burned mixes display musical schizophrenia – though I work hard for one song to flow into the next even as the tone shifts to and fro.
Thus, I present to you my audience an eccentric compilation entitled, “Songs to Listen to While Your Computer Cannibalizes Its Own Innards.” You are free to examine the listing and burn your own copy (I would, but the CD burner went native months ago). For linear notes, I’ll include the rationale for picking these tunes.
Track 1: When life gives you lemons, try to trade for a lime, and then…
“Put the Lime in the Coconut” by Harry Nilsson. Sometimes the cure is in the poison.
Track 2: And if that won’t due, find a friend who offers something stronger
Enter “The Cisco Kid” by War. It’s nice to have support as you chase the sunset
Track 3: Or take off on your own…
“Travelin’ Man” (live version) by Bob Segar. “Up with the sun, gone with the wind…”
Track 4: Find a philosophy to follow
“Take it Easy” by the Eagles, Travis Tritt, whoever lightens the “world of trouble” on your mind
Track 5: Seek TV enlightenment.
Search through syndication for the “Blossom Theme.” Short, sweat, and upbeat.
Track 6: Keep your television on…
Throw in the “Red Dwarf End Theme.” Tell me this life isn’t tempting: “I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh mango juice, goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes…” Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
Track 7: Solidify this personal state of mind
“Private Idaho” by the B52’s. Beware of the “blue, blue, blue pool.”
Track 8: Test it out to see how it works…
Ask “Will it Go ‘Round in Circles” by Billy Preston. Does it let “the bad guy win every once in a while?”
Track 9: Review the reason regulating you and others
“The Logical Song” by Supertramp. Don’t forget, it’s “one, two, three, five!”
Track 10: Question the moment, question the world
“Virtual Insanity” by Jamiroquai. Forget your virtual reality and look at the existence at hand.
Track 11: Challenge the system from the inside
“Windmills of Your Mind” preferably Dusty Springfield. Examine the patterns, connections up close and personal.
Track 12: If the revolution fails, seek solace without words
“The Kiss (The Dance)” from the Last of the Mohicans Soundtrack. There is comfort in both solo and symphonic strings.
Track 13: Remain mute, but face the onslaught
Fight among the “Barbarian Horde” from the Gladiator Soundtrack. Though you can have a sing-along of sorts if you know the tune well enough (and I know those who do).
Track 14: Break the verbal fast with a blast
Employ “Political Science” by Randy Newman. “Let’s drop the ‘big one,’ and see what happens.”
Track 15: Embrace insanity
“Gee, Officer Krupke” from “West Side Story.” Proudly proclaim, “Hey, I’ve got social disease!”
Track 16: If you are neither starting or ending, you can only be in one place
“The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. Remember, “Everything, everything, will be alright.”
Track 17: Smell something fishy. Honestly answer: is it you?
“Big Fish” by FFH. Are you sitting in the belly of a world gone mad?
Track 18: Realize there is only one path to take.
“Do What you Do” by Carolyn Arends. “Through the highs and the lows and the winning and losing; that’s the way you know that you’re alive.”
Track 19: See the potential consequences and react accordingly.
“Boomerang” by Bruce Carroll. Try to finally get it right, for what goes around… (Sorry I couldn’t find a link to this little-heard ’97 number)
Track 20: Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary, and then act.
“I Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot. Welcome to the planet, fallout, resistance, and salvation.
Track 21: And when you’re ready to rest, rock out to hazy, cosmic jive
“Star Man” by the originator David Bowie or by Seu Jorge (who continues to inspire me to learn Portuguese despite my nine disastrous semesters of Spanish). Everybody sing along, crickets included: “La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ….”
