Much to the chagrin of those who try to shop for me, it’s been a very long time since I put out a specific list of sorts. I’ve jotted some notes down, but didn’t pass them on. I found an old word file I believe I started in 2002. Not surprisingly, I hadn’t received any of the items I’d listed except for one: gift certificates. Lot’s of them. Almost exclusively compared to the hauls from earlier years (though when you’re in a Hot Wheels/Legos/Action Figure phase, you’re easier to placate).
Why change the pattern now, other than to spare my relatives the headache, you might ask.
Two reasons: one, I have been informed this will be my last Christmas where I will receive a child’s portion of presents. Let me flesh this out a bit…
This goes beyond the typical big table/little table split that occurs in families. As a teenager, I did not always enjoy my demotion when it came to my seating assignment at the card table due to the limitation in chairs. As years progressed, I realized that is actually not a bad spot – you can let your table manners slip a bit, you don’t have to answer probing questions about your future plans (or lack thereof), and you rule almost supreme as “big kid.” A few years back when I was once again bumped from the adult’s table, due to an upswing in babies, I gladly took it in stride and never worried about it much.
I’m talking about the financial divisions between a child and an adult. Typically one showers more gifts on the younger kids because they generally lack the resources to purchase the “big toys” for themselves. As you get older, and, in theory, you develop your own network of cash flow, you don’t need to rely on birthday and holiday peaks.
According to state law, I have been a legal adult since 2001. But only now, according to present budgeting standards, am I about to become a man. After last Christmas, I’m told there was a vote or something, and it was decided that as long as I spent the majority of a year in college, I was still considered young/poor enough to earn a child’s portion. After that, the monetary allotments are going to be scaled back out of consideration for future generations.
So, to list my first answer to the potentially forgotten question of why I’m writing a Christmas list now, this is the last year when I’ll have a healthy haul.
Second, and this one is much simpler, if I share a detailed list this year, any items I don’t receive will probably be used to form future shopping lists if I neglect to send a new list. I think my relatives have been working off the 2001 list for too long; time to update.
As I said earlier, some of these items have aged, though that isn’t necessarily bad (some of the books will now be out in paperback and many of the DVDs will be of a reduced price).
Note: I am excluding the presents I know have already been purchased for me (which is hard, because I’m trying to forget them so I can remain surprised)
Of course, gift certificates will still work. Whatever…
Books:
Discworld books by Terry Pratchett
Books #2-5 of Riverworld series by Philip Jose Farmer (I got hooked on book number one and never could find the other entries)
“State of Fear” by Michael Crichton (new in paperback)
anything by Robert Whitlow
also anything by James “the Amazing” Randi
“Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” by David Sedaris
The Onion Publications (already have “Dispatches from the 10th Circle”)
“Nothing’s Sacred” by Lewis Black
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction”
Get Fuzzy collections – “Bucky Katt's Big Book Of Fun” and “Say Cheesy”
Fox Trot collections – “FoxTrotius Maximus” and “Orlando Bloom Has Ruined Everything”
CDs - in concordance with my longstanding one-half downloaded rule
Straight Music -
Chris Rice (“Run the Earth and Walk the Sky” or “Smell the Color 9”)
Carolyn Arends
Mark Schultz
Bob Kilpatrick
The Life Aquatic Soundtrack
And though it pains me slightly to clarify it like this, “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat,” Donny Osmond version
Comics -
Lewis Black
Dane Cook
Rodney Dangerfield
Mitch Hedberg
DVDs
Farscape: Season 3 or 4 (already have the first two and the mini-series)
Red Dwarf: Season 3 – 6 (Series 7 and 8 haven’t been released yet)
any MST3K
“The Gods Must be Crazy”
“Shaolin Soccer”
“Shattered Glass”
“Wonderfalls – the complete series”
“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”
Miscellaneous
A nice dress shirt and tie (I get this every year anyway, so I might as well get some satisfaction for having requested it – and don’t forget I have a freakishly large Adam’s apple)
Dress socks (same reason as above)
any Sam and Max: Freelance police merchandise (not that I’ve ever seen any beyond the video games)
Gel pens
Lighters/Metal Matches/etc (I donated all my fire starting materials to the Columbia church so I could use some additional supplies for future campouts)
a Columbo-style trench coat (I’d prefer the lighter color because I don’t want to be mistaken for a goth, Neo-loving, trenchcoat mafia member. That and my mother exposed me to Peter Falk at a young, impressionable age)
an iPod – Don’t buy one for me. I know they’re too expensive. Simply drop my name in when you see one of those drawings that everyone’s been doing this season.
A white miniature pony named Tobey (if I keep asking I’m bound to get him one of these years)
And last, and most importantly, malted milk balls (generic, name brand – doesn’t matter as long as they come in continuers quart-sized and up)
