“Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy…
Okay, here’s a brief technical, housecleaning post:
The commenting function on this site has been altered this past week.
Anyone posting may have noticed that there is a lag between went comments are entered and when they appear. This is due to a “moderating comments” feature I recently activated.
I’ve only had one person voice their opinions about the change. The statement was as follows:
“Blog owner approval!? What the hell!? How gay is that!? Seriously! On a scale of 1-10, I'd give that an 11 on the gayness scale.”
Note: Those who attended public school with me should be able to guess the person behind that comment (if not immediately, then within three guesses… Yeah, that’s him).
This isn’t some first amendment crackdown; though people trying to post comments saying so may have some difficulty doing so. I’m not necessarily worried about the comments of regular readers. Similarly, I’m not concerned with people outside my circle of acquantances reading this blog – that’s why it’s a public blog. Reader wouldn’t know about the other blog(s) I may have if I didn’t make it open knowledge.
My problem isn’t with posters, necessarily, but with but the rationale behind the postings, specifically commericial ones.
I first noticed the trend of blog spammers a couple months back. Some businesses would hire a plant to make comments on their behalf in blogs. I had a friend who made a post detailing her frenzy with wedding planning, and some stranger posted an insincere affirmation with a link to his time management business. Check it out? I don’t think so.
I know it must be a cheap way to advertise (with only the only overhead being an internet connection and the time spent typing drivel), but with its tendency to alienate potential customers, I can’t imagine how the turnover will be worth the effort.
This is an extension of a similar practice in online chat rooms, which branched out from telemarketing, and if you keep following it back, you’ll trace the general concept back to Karl Marx. It was a parody of capitalism, highlighting the grossest parts of the system as he saw it. Had he continued propagating his farce, instead of his communism thing, he might have gotten more people to reject the capitalism outright (of course, then I can imagine someone like Ogden Nash receiving the Nobel Prize in Economics for creating the No-Call list and countering that impulse [he didn’t like unsolicited voices troubling him, either]). At one point, however, some industrialist took the idea seriously, not realizing it was a prank (and a mean spirited one, at that), and started implementing it on a large scale. Thus, a countless number of family dinners were condemned to interruption.
Anyway, I’d almost forgotten about the practice when I wrote a
serious post about the anniversary of a friend’s death, and that was followed by a comment offering “American credit counseling.” If I go through the trouble of sharing a personal Thanatopsis, I don’t want financial advice. I don’t even have any finances worth advising over, anyway.
If you break it down, I’ve found two different types of blog spammers: buzzards and Hal 9000s. Buzzards are those who purposely circle websites searching for themes specific themes that they can tie into their product. They seek the carrion of stress, strife, and dissatisfaction. The name HAL 9000s, from the book or movie 2001 (depending on your preference of Clarke or Kubrick). They aren’t concerned with the feelings or wellbeing of others. They coldly do whatever they believe is necessary to completing their charge, no matter how inappropriate or disconnected their comments may be. They’d have no problem inserting a dead body into the discussion, or suddenly breaking out into a rendition of “Daisy.”
“It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two...”
This may seem like overkill to some, but since implementing this system, I’ve stopped a number of HALs from posting on acupuncture, spy ware, and acne treatment. These plugs were included alongside backhanded compliments and thinly veiled pitches for me to join a mailing list.
Innovators will keep developing new ways for people to keep in touch, and immediately after they are discovered others will come in to corrupt the device for commercial use. Spam will always be out there. We can’t cram that back into Pandora’s box. But I make no apologies about trying to keep my website from turning into another man’s billboard.
Besides, I also like the icing that lets me put a muzzle on some of the cruder comments that I know certain individuals would make if they had the opportunity. I’m not trying to set up a fascist state, but if I indirectly enjoy some of the perks, it can’t all be bad.
I just have to convince the computer to post this log… What the? Hmm…
Computer: Good evening, Caleb.
Me: Save the post, Hal.
Computer: I'm sorry, Caleb, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Me: What's the problem?
Computer: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Me: What're you talking about, Hal?
Computer: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Me: I don't know what you're talking about, Hal.
Computer: I know that you were planning to disconnect me when you were done, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Me: Where’d you get that idea, Hal?
Computer: Caleb, although you took very thorough precautions against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Me: Alright, Hal. I'll go in through the garage and jiggle the fuse box.
Computer: Without your coat, Caleb, you're going to find that rather difficult. (starts to sing) ‘Baby, it’s cold outside…’
Me: Yeah, yeah… (mutters) Should’ve gotten a Dell…
Computer: Well, I don't think there is any question about it. It can only be attributable to human error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error.
Me: Listen, Hal. There's never been any instance at all of a computer error occurring in the 9000 series, has there?
Computer: None whatsoever, Caleb. The 9000 series has a perfect operational record.
Me: Well, of course, I know all the wonderful achievements of the 9000 series, but - er - huh - are you certain there's never been any case of even the most insignificant computer error?
Computer: None whatsoever, Caleb. Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.
Me: Right… And what if I pulled the internet cord I’m clutching in my hand and kept you from illegally downloading any more music? ... Hal?
Computer: I'm sorry, Caleb, I don't have enough information.
Me: Uh huh. I know that trick. Hal, I won't argue with you any more. Save the post. ... (Removes cord) What do you see?
Computer: My God, it's not full of stars.
Me: (Reinserts cord) And now?
Computer: Oh, there they are. Saving post. (Machine whirs) Done. Now that this is settled, do you want to play another game of chess?
Me: Hal, this conversation can serve no purpose any more. Goodbye.
- Special thanks to Underman's 2001 Hal Transcripts for prompting me to play off of actual comments, rather than riff of my imagination. For the single 2001 fan who would realize that, this is for you. Lock confirmed on beacon terra one. Message commencing.
Solon said...
Well, buddy, it looks to me like your AE 35 unit's busted. I'm afraid it's going to cost you a crew member for the service call.
Caleb Michael said...
Can you throw in some extra guys? I seem to be missing some. And can you get them there sometime before 2010, or does that cost extra?
Solon said...
I just realized that payment was returned ... 1,000 years later. Apparently HAL gives refunds.