When I hear the word “literary” invoked by writers to describe themselves, it makes me pause. I have the same reaction when people go out of their way to describe themselves as “religious,” “patriotic,” or “cool.” If you are one of those things, it is usually extremely obvious and you don’t have to label yourself. To claim the mantle yourself is as pathetic as trying to pick your own nickname.
Anyway, in spending a bit more time in the library this week, I’ve skimmed a lot of book titles, summaries, and other printed bric-a-brac. I’ve often found that the most intriguing part of a book is the title. In many cases, I’ve pulled a book off the shelf only to be disappointed by the anti-climatic plot synopsis that was included. I feel sorry for any authors out there who came up with a killer title that fit their tome perfectly only to do a Google search to find some hack writer already crafted the clever title to some sub-standard piece of work.
Of course, I’ll be quick to acknowledge that in some cases the summaries don’t do the book proper justice and that the contents may actually rival the title if one read the whole thing, but I currently lack the time to properly consider all the books that catch my eye (as anyone who has seen my “compact” summer book shelf can attest).
Around the same time I was re-pondering my old complaint about mismatched “literary” titles, I read another friend’s blog entry seeking cues for writing new stories. By the time I read the entry, many delightful suggestions had been made.
I feel like it’s a bit too late to suggest some of the sights I’ve seen recently – like a lone protestor on the state capitol steps seeking to get her children back; a black woman informing a friend about her outrage that the prosecutor “wasn’t going to press charges” despite what was said earlier; a boy contentedly eating some orange ice cream in an empty parking lot while his father tries to change a flat tire (I’ve had some interesting walks lately, haven’t I?).
However, after reading so many blurbs about “the latest literary achievement” and other such trite, I’m going to submit titles instead of story ideas. The following is a list of “literary” titles, names that sound good until you think about them for more than five seconds and/or until you read what the book is about.
Note: If I accidentally list a book title that actually exists, I would like to state it is purely by coincidence. I would also suggest if someone has written a book that has one of these titles that the writer review their own book and make any apologies that may be necessary. I’m not saying it should be automatic, but I’d wager the odds are with me that some remorseful words are in order.
And so we begin our listing of titles of books that probably never will (or should) be written:
Harvest of the Silverfruit Tree
Recharging My Electric Body
The Dragon’s Toenail Clippings
Third Inning Stretch followed by the sequel, Fourth Inning Stretch
Paradox Stew
Bye Lowe, Cell Hi: A Novel of Corruption
Demigods, Dollars, and Todd
Wasted Last Chances
One Knowing Eye: When Lady Justice Peeks
Paging Providence, Help Wanted
Lost Lioness
The Devil’s Thesaurus
Ugly as Sin with a Wardrobe to Match
Atlas Burps, Mercury Trips
Pain Pals – Letters between Enemies
Mastodons Never Knock
Eye No Ewe
Curiosity’s Deadly Kittens
Midnight’s Dawn
An Alliteration Advocate Falters
But Three Lefts Make a Right
and my personal favorite of this bunch
Me and the Lizard versus the Monkees
If someone wants to use one of these titles for their own work, please ask me first, and more importantly, seek professional counseling (either of a certified psychologist or gallon bucket of ice cream. I leave that choice up to you).
Hannah said...
But, see, I think Mastadons Never Knock could be a rockin' children's book. Dinosaurs and manners!
Maybe I've just listened to "Dinosaurs Never Say Please" too many times.