WAG - Special Travel Tip Section: The Ozarks on Zero Dollars a Day
Hello friends.
Are the summer time blues catching up to you (or have you simply been fighting the fever for some time)?
Could you use a break? Would it help to distance yourself from some of your troubles? Do the cops finally have enough information to finish filling out the warrant they’ve been threatening you with?
Well then come on down to Missouri!
Yes! You too can find seek solace in the land of streams and trees.
Here are some handy dandy guidelines for anyone who wishes to sample the lush platter that Missouri has to offer (and spend as little cash as possible).
Tip #1: It’s tempting to speed through some of the smaller podunk towns, betting that the one cop car the city owns is parked in front of a local diner, but since many town’s main source of financial income is traffic tickets, go the speed limit between city limit signs.
Tip #2: One shouldn’t set out to steal a wallet just to procure a credit card, but if you happen across one, it is alright to reward yourself for being honest and honorable before returning it to the owner. Be sure to have class though. If you buy yourself a fancy piece of jewelry, don’t wear it in front of the person when you’re returning their wallet!
Tip #3: Load up on all the freebie items restaurants provide. Items such as plastic silverware, napkins, straws, sauce packets, placemats, salt and pepper shakers, napkin holders, trays, ugly paintings, and most chairs that aren’t bolted down are complimentary and freely bestowed upon all visiting patrons whether they buy anything or not. If you are going to take a screwdriver with you to go after items that ARE bolted down, one must spend a minimum of $2.79 (including a 15% tip) before one is allowed to partake of the furniture.
Tip #4: Don’t harass the locals. They rarely have patience for outsiders, are probably armed, and know where to hide bodies where they won’t be found.
Tip #5: Public fountains are a good place to pickup loose change. As long as there is no sign stating that all proceed go to a good cause, one can think of the pool as a “couch” where one gets to keep whatever they get.
Tip #6: There is some truth to jokes about hill people marring cousins. We say it happens more often in Arkansas, not that those type of people are the kind to participate in scientific surveys to confirm this, but there are some creatively-shaped family trees planted out here. Keep that in mind, but don’t make any comments of that sort until you reach the comfort zone of your own abode. It may be true in some cases, but we don’t appreciate it being pointed out either.
Tip #7: If you read a sign that says IMPASSABLE DURING HIGH WATER and it is already partially submerged, you are screwed.
Tip #8: Always order water with your meals (that should be true whether or not you’re on vacation). It’s healthier for you and one finds tap water is as good of quality as bottled water (which seems to go up in price over 300 percent once it is poured into a plastic container).
Tip #9: If it’s tornado season and you hear a sound like a freight train, but you know you are no where near any tracks, you might want to think about phoning your lawyer to make sure your will is all lined up.
Tip #10: In theory, city parks are a tempting place to sleep, but they’re really quite dismal places because the public goes there.
Tip #11: Wear a life jacket if you go boating. They’re hot, often uncomfortable, and rarely match your clothes, but it beats ending up in the newspaper in a paragraph that starts, “In a tragic note…” Actually, that is a cliché you don’t want to be associated with either on land or water.
Tip #12: Cops are people too and enjoy a good laugh as much as anyone else, but if a cop stops you and asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?” don’t make references to the drugs you have in your trunk. Joy-buzzers are also a definite “no-no.”
Tip #13: Beef jerky and bubble gum are acceptable alternatives to quarters for most tollbooths. Be polite and ask the attendant which one they would prefer and if they have a favorite flavor.
Tip #14: You are not likely to encounter any wild bears in Missouri, but if you do, make sure somebody tapes the encounter so your widow can make money by selling the recording to Fox (When Nature Strikes Back XVIII! 9:00 / 8:00 Central Time after a very special family edition of COPS).
Tip #15: Be sure to take a towel with you. (For information on this, consult Douglas Adams’ travel series [The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy]. The initiated already know, but others wouldn’t be hurt by discovering the rationale behind this and other important questions concerning the meaning of life [42]).
Tip #16: Be sure to give friends at least 48 hours warning before you drop in on them. It’s tempting to want to surprise them, but it isn’t fun if you accidentally crash a family reunion or wedding (“Are you a Hawks or a Nelson?” “Actually I’m just an old college roommate of a Nelson who dropped by.” “Oh… That explains the blue jeans.” “Yeah… Hey, where’s the line to kiss the bride? She looks hot!”).
Tip #17: MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LITTER AT CONSERVATION DEPARTMENT PUBLIC ACCESS SITES! If you drop your trash there, you take the serious risk that a disgruntled, fed-up conservation employee will track you down and murder you in your sleep you dirty filthy pigs!!! What you do at a Department of Natural Resources site, however, is your own business.
These tips should help you have an “interesting” vacation (especially if you end up spending part of your time in a jail cell).
You can learn a lot by reading this list. Especially Tip #18: Beware of bored writers who have nothing else to do but cook up freaky lists for their own personal amusement.
Not that you have anything to worry about from me…
I’m just warning you in general…
Yeah, yeah… I know what you’re thinking, but let me point out this: the final warning is more than what the Jayson Blair and the New York Times did.
Think about it.
End of lesson.
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