WAG - Lessons I Didn’t Learn Today
Today was my last day of doing campsite maintenance for the Department of Conservation this year (I hope). I will now be restored to my revered position of moth trapper (where I’ll go back to trying to save trees rather than chopping them down [which is good for the other trees in the area, but not necessarily the trees marked for, pardon me for using the euphemism: “above ground vegetation height reduction.”
To celebrate such an event, I’d like to expound on the wonders of nature and man’s important position in the balance of life.
Unfortunately my brain is tired. Despite an unscheduled early evening nap while reviewing audio recordings of the compiled works of a great philosopher (I fell asleep listening to George Carlin routines), I lack the mental facilities to compose anything profound of meaningful.
Though that is no different than usual, I still feel I should do something unique, so here I present a list of lessons I did not learn today.
[It was either that or attempting to compose a series of Japanese hikus, and I always get confused about how my syllables go on which line, causing my work to resemble bad folk songs; which lack the impact I’m looking for. Consider yourselves lucky]
Having a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare can make you appear erudite and sophisticated and can double as an emergency doorstop in a pinch.
If everyone in the world was entered in a combative knife fight tournament, where all other factors are equal, Angela Lansbury would be the biggest, baddest mother of them all.
“Spatula” is a fun word to say in any context.
The hands-on approach works best in all things except for confronting wild boars, bulls, and rose buses.
Though wondrously intoxicating, sniffing glue can kill brain cells, which lead to inadvertent repetition.
Though wondrously intoxicating, sniffing glue can kill brain cells, which lead to inadvertent repetition.
Movie trailers touting the best scenes of the movie, where people are running in slow motion, often play with classical music in the background despite the fact such sophisticated orchestrations are unlikely to appear in the release where more emphasis is placed on booming explosions than Bach.
Jell-o should NEVER be crunchy.
Regardless of all appearances, Pig Latin has nothing to do with pigs or Latin.
Despite their harmless appearance, improperly microwaved burritos can be a formidable foe when cornered (in your digestive system).
“Elvis” spelled backwards is “Sivle.”
Armadillos are people too.
People who pronounce “pharmacy” with a hard C-sound are not to be trusted.
Strangers offering candy never seem to be around when you have a sugar craving to be filled.
It may be noble to print labels on medicine warning people not to mix them with alcohol, but that ignores the fact that those who are likely to engage in such behavior aren’t likely to be double-checking the warnings on their pills.
One-on-one baseball games last a long time.
Sometimes a little nonsense can be more entertaining than a greater truth, but that still doesn’t excuse Fox Television’s continued dedication to atrocious “reality-based” programming.
Well, that’s it for now. I hope you learned something from this list today…even if I didn’t.
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