Michael Madness
Bad taste is a disease that strikes without warning.
It moves silently, can hit hard, and can be contagious. The dangerously infectious ways are demonstrated by various fads like wearing your pants backwards, buying accessories for your pet rock, and listening to “boy” bands made up of guys who are all 27 or older.
No one is ever fully immune. Even the Fonz once jumped the shark, coining the watermark phrase that indicates a wave has crested and is about to break.
Thus, when news hit the Missourian newsroom that the Jackson jury had a verdict, an epidemic cut an ugly, gruesome path through the crowded assembly of reporters, editors, and photographers.
No names will be attached to the following comments in order to both protect good people from being judged by words uttered in a moment of weakness and also to keep me from implicating myself.
WARNING! What is to come is not meant for those with weak heart or underdeveloped senses of humors. You are welcome to proceed, but keep in mind someone may step on your toes.
Here is a list of not-so-faithfully submitted headlines for this season’s “trial of the century.”
Billy Jean was Not his lover
He’s baaaaaad.
Jackson: I’m going to Disney World.
Peter Pan goes back to Neverland.
Jackson acquitted: get over it.
Jackson trial finished: Can we stop talking about it now?
Jury: Not so dangerous.
Wacko Jacko Backo
Didn’t stop till he got enough.
Jackson: I’m Teflon, you’re glue…
Verdict: Weird, but not guilty.
There were more; no doubt you caught wind of some others in the media frenzy that followed. It kinda makes one envy those biodome people who live in isolation in a giant greenhouse for a couple years, though that after-briefing has got to be a hoot.
“Okay, I see you’re done reading the news briefs we compiled for you. Are there any events you want to talk about?”
“So let me get this straight…”
“Take your time.”
“So Michael Jackson was found not guilty.”
“Right.”
“Haven’t people been working on a case since 1993?”
:”Yes, and he was acquitted of all 10 charges.”
“Okay. And “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” is the top movie in America right now, and not “Star Wars: Episode III?”
“Right.”
“I would have thought the last Star Wars movie would have been tops for weeks.”
“Oh yeah. You didn’t see other prequels yet, did you?”
“No. Is there something I should know?”
“Forget it. Just know that the new power couple, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have the top movie right now.”
What do you mean, “new power couple?” Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up? They were perfect together!”
“That’s what I said!”
“This is a crazy, crazy world.”
“That’s what Governor Schwarzenegger would probably say after he got booed during his speech to his alma mater.”
“What?”
“Oh, you see, Schwarzenegger was at Santa Monica College giving a commencement speech but was continually interrupted by protesters…”
“Schwarzenegger who?”
“Governor Schwarzenegger.”
“What?”
“Of the state of California.”
“Schwarzenegger is governor of California?”
“Yes.”
“We’re talking the Terminator guy, right?”
“Actually, the press sometimes calls him the “Guvinator.”
“When can I go back inside the dome?”
The world doesn’t really pay much sense if you stop and think about it. Your best bet is to go about your business and don’t question it, or better yet, if they tell you your time is up and you can come out now, DON’T LEAVE THE BIODOME!
Like Michael Jackson current set of charges, this class is dismissed.
