WAG - What’s a Motto With You?
The Columbia Missourian has been introducing some new features over the last few weeks.
Along with a new Sunday format that appeared last week, there’s a whole new column called the Sockdolager.
“What the heck is that?” you may ask. Many had the some question (with the severity of their query varying depending on their personal interest and the expanse of their cursing vocabulary).
Before it first premiered, there were teasers for the section. There was a large portrait of a stern faced Abe Lincoln speaking the strange, foreign term. To add to the impact, each letter was of a different size, and in some cases, of a different font. The “g” was especially spirited.
Anyway, beneath that was the caption reading:
And farther down, printed much, much smaller than that was:
It certainly piqued my interest and looked forward to the first edition on Friday.
I wasn’t disappointed.
In the opening edition, it explained the largely unknown etymology, or history of the word.
Traditionally (among history buffs, I suppose) the term, was among the last words Abraham Lincoln heard before he was shot. “Sockdolager” implies a decisive argument that imparts the finishing blow. In Tom Taylor’s play, “An American Cousin,” the line, “Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologising old man-trap,” was uttered just before John Wilkes Booth took the stage (after shooting the president).
It then went on to promise “smart, biting commentary” on a weekly basis.
That was followed by the directions, ingredients, and warnings for various common products like:
The Atkins Diet - Directions: “Stop using and ask a doctor if you’re losing weight but suffering chronic chest pains, or you’re using Atkins as an excuse to regularly eat at fast food chains.”
SUVs - Ingredients: “A truck body with a few extra seats added.”
And my personal favorite, Wal-Mart - Warning: “Do not look directly at in-store Orwellian signs that read ‘Prioritize… Economize… Exercise.’” or “Keep out of the of Target.”
Wow, a Missourian feature with verve and attitude. No, not just regular “attitude,” but attitude in italics. Where was this when I was in J-306, I asked myself. I didn’t agree with all the punch lines, but I was curious how I could get involved with something like that.
Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to wait too long.
An email came across the journalism email list serve Wednesday, from the executive editor of the Missourian, asking for help on behalf of “the good folk in Sockdolagerland.”
Apparently, the group was looking for help in mocking Columbia’s latest attempt to reinvent itself.
Note: This is from the town that is trying to get people to call the downtown area “the district.”
The newest makeover was revealed after a $45,000 initiative to come up with a new town motto took 18 months to come up with this:
“Columbia: The smart, innovative, artsy, eclectic, clever, savvy, vibrant, too-dynamic-to-fit-into-a-short-tagline city.”
For those of you playing Concerned Taxpayer: the Home Game, that’s $2,500 per month, per word.
I’m sure part of the money went to buy a dictionary, to design the snazzy logo, and to pay for the call to the Guinness Book of World Records (to submit it for the longest town motto), but how the rest of the money was spent is best not contemplated.
Anyway, the Sockdolagers were looking for help compiling a Top Ten list of the 10 slogans Columbia rejected before choosing the final clunker that we’re now stuck with.
Since it’s not very often you get a request from the executive editor of the local paper to lampoon such a deserving target, I submitted my own list of 10 mottos that would best the “extremely long and painful” slogan currently in effect.
To remind you what I was up against, here’s the motto one more time:
“Columbia: The smart, innovative, artsy, eclectic, clever, savvy, vibrant, too-dynamic-to-fit-into-a-short-tagline city.”
#10: Columbia: The smarmy, insistent, angst-ridden, eccentric, crafty, savant-like, vivacious, too-long-winded-to-fit-into-a-short-tagline city.
#9: Columbia: Could we BE and more Mid-Missouri?
#8: Columbia: Yeah, at times we have occasionally been excessively wordy to an extreme.
#7: Columbia: The Missouri One, NOT the One with All the Cocaine
#6: Columbia: Ask about our District
#5: Columbia: Don’t Ask About our Tiger Spot
#4: Columbia: Soon a Major Motion Picture from New Line Cinema
#3: Columbia: Checkout our Guinness Book of World Record entry
#2: Columbia: How ‘bout them University Scandals?
and Number One:
Columbia: Home of the $45,000 Howler
I don’t know if any will make tomorrow’s cut, but I do take some pleasure in the fact I was invited to the dance.
'Duck_Mr_Lincoln'
