WAG - Please! Know MO politics!
In accordance with directions given by the management of this site, we are revoking a post based solely on primary results and choosing rather to go with an “In the News” column riffing on a randomly selected article.
Full Disclosure: This site will host a few comments on the primary. The author has a current events quiz tomorrow and needs to brush up. Also, when we said “randomly selected article,” we meant whatever article made us laugh the most after reading it and/or spawned the quickest quasi-clever comments. Thank you.
Today, the headline in the Columbia Missourian was “Apathy, indecision reign in mid-Missouri.”
I couldn’t have said it better.
I am thankful to say I didn’t pay much close attention to this race. I could blame it on being busy, I could blame it on media saturation, but to tell the truth, I lost all interest in this race last Wednesday when I read two things.
First, I read this article from The Boston Globe. In this piece about Kerry moving forward after his win in New Hampshire, he had this to say about his plans to move on to Missouri:
“I guess I'll ride a bucking bronco or a bull or something," Kerry joked. "I'm game. Whatever they got."
Mr. Kerry. We don’t really do that in Missouri. We may have our rodeo aficionados, but it certainly isn’t a defining characteristic of this state. You can make a multi-topic statement about our river culture, our northern farmers, our gateway to the West, our Ozark beauty, but don’t try to oversimplify the state by equating all of us with a bumpkin who will vote for the candidate who can stay on a mad cow the longest.
That, Mr. Kerry, is only one reason why you would not get my vote, even if the race was between you and a Magic Eight ball. I’d wager the spherical oracle would be right a bit more often. And it has the added bonus of having not having feet or a mouth; meaning it couldn’t get one stuck in the other.
Speaking of foot in mouth, the final tally that killed my curiosity was when I looked at polling data that had Kerry leading all others by at least 30 percent. That statistic never really waved.
Thus, I relearned an old lesson.
I used to say, " I hate the ignorant things people do."
Then I had my first real job, working in the Lawn & Garden department at Wal-Mart.
That summer, I revised my mantra and decided to live by a more simplified philosophy:
"I hate stupid people."
Note from 2005: I later re-revised my motto to say, "I hate the ignorant things people do, not the stupid people who do them - though it is very difficult to draw that distinction at times.
That being confirmed, let us move on to more interesting topic of conversation (and I’m not talking about one that rhymes with “Joe -drops-out-of-the-race”).
Curse You Matthew Broderick!
It was almost a real life War Games for a moment.
The plot of this article, and the 1983 movie classic, is about a hacker who works their way into a U.S. weapons lab. Both feature new comers; this is the first charge for 16-year-old Joseph McElroy, and War Games was the first film 21-year-old Broderick had a top staring role.
Each playful character was simply messing around and meant no harm. McElroy wanted to use the advanced server to download movies and music quicker and Broderick wanted to play video games.
Both tales occur in times of great tension and stress. Matt conducted his funny business towards the end of the Cold War and Joseph, like the rest of us, is living in a post-9/11 world.
Of course, a major difference pops up when you make the distinction that Matt was an actor and Joe was opening up a gateway into a genuine military computer system. When nuclear researchers noticed a drain on the system, they feared they were experiencing a wireless-based terrorist attack. The computer network was shut down for three days, the US Department of Energy sounded a full-scale alert, the authorities were alerted (including Scotland Yard), and much panicking resulted.
All this because some British teenager wanted to get his music a little bit faster.
Upon hearing about this story, I instantly flashed back to Matt’s 80’s hacker movie. A guy was messing around in another computer system and accidentally caused America’s master nuclear computer to think Las Vegas was nuked. And it started to respond accordingly, much to the chagrin of the Soviets, American military leaders, life-loving individuals around the world, and Matt’s girlfriend (played by Ally Sheedy).
I read the movie novelization back in high school and it’s long been on my bookshelf (after I stole it from my parents’ bookshelf). It’s a bit dated in places; and not just the whole Cold War spot-the-hidden-Communist mindset. I loved the subplot about phone freakers: the people who replicate specific beeping noises to obtain free long-distance telephone calls.
Note: I would include more examples, but after conducting a full search of my Mizzou archives (as in I checked the bookshelf on the left AND the right), I came to the conclusion the book was left in Sullivan.
Though a bit old fashioned, I liked the plot about the perky teenager (David Lightman) who bring the U.S. Military to the brink of Defcon 1 (the end), but still gets the girl in the end.
Though I don’t have access to the book, the Internet Movie Database helped me pick out some of my favorite lines:
Broderick’s boring parents, which is the rationale given for him withdrawing into the electronic world:
Mr. Lightman: This corn is raw!
Mrs. Lightman: I know, isn't it wonderful? It's so crisp!
Mr. Lightman: Of course it's crisp! It's raw!
Mrs. Lightman: No, it's terrific! You can just taste the Vitamin A and D!
Mr. Lightman: Could we have pills and cook the corn?
Military Intelligence:
General Beringer: Gentlemen, I wouldn't trust this overgrown pile of microchips any further than I can throw it.
Artificial Unintelligence:
David Lightman: Is it a game... or is it real?
Joshua, the Doomsday Computer: What's the difference?
David Lightman: [muttering] Oh wow.
And finally, when Mathew/David teaches the supercomputer the futility of nuclear conflict by repeatedly playing tic-tac-toe (another pointless no-win game):
Joshua, the Doomsday Computer: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?
Isn’t that a good lesson to learn. Now let’s apply it to Joseph’s case.
Though the hacking occurred in 2002, McElroy’s case was only decided today. Joe was given the “benefit of the doubt” by the judge since, despite his intrusion into certain rudimentary systems, he didn’t access anything confidential. Of course, regardless of the intent, the shutdown of the system cost over $50,000. It’s not near-nuclear extinction, but try explaining that to the average American taxpayer.
Today, McElroy is a first-year engineering undergraduate and has a really cool bullet point in his resume. Though he may have learned his lesson, he may not have the time to take up chess any time soon.
This is where we Yanks who are fitting the bill can have the last laugh: Where Matt’s character got to freely walk out into the sunset at the end of his escapade, Joe is going to have to serve out 200-hours of community service.
Think about it. A dedicated computer programmer, who lives in rainy, dismal England, will have to spend 200-hours outside and away from the computer. It may not kill him, but it’s sure to make him think twice about messing around with nuclear systems in the future.
At least we can hope.
'Lets_play_Global_Thermonuclear_War'
