WAG - 2004 Resolutions I am Not Making
I don’t do New Years Resolutions.
It’s been a couple of years since I actually made any and even then they weren’t serious.
There are things I would like to do and/or get done, but I don’t make major declarations. If I get them done, great. If not, maybe next year.
You can make life altering or improving decisions any day of the year. You need not wait for 1/1 to roll around (or January 2, or January 3, depending on how busy things were on New Years). The modern calendar is so screwed up, the actual date of New Years has no great significance other than being the date some 2nd century Gregorian cleric thought it was a good time to start over.
Note: For the record, for you calendar junkies out there, I know there were further “corrections” in 1582 and 1752, but I don’t know who to pin those alterations on.
While thinking about the general futility of New Year’s resolutions, both in timing and the inflated importance of following through with them, my mind began to formulate resolutions I’d never make.
It’s not that I’m about to break any of these pledges. I’m not intending to systematically break every one of them. This satire is simply how my mind decided to deal with the concept.
That being said, let’s proclaim the otherwise unproclaimable.
NOT TO DO IN 2004 (OR ANY OTHER YEAR FOR THAT MATTER)
I will lose 378 pounds, per week, but only if I make it to London.
I will help dyslexic children correctly read often more forward.
I will act more humble before people that are inferior to me.
I will stop selling my sister’s property on E-Bay (or at least start giving her a percentage).
I will TRY to stop throttling those who mockingly say “‘Working hard,’ or ‘hardly working.’”
I will stop shaving stray puppies and kittens.
Deciding to put an end to it all, I will finally stop living a lie and publicly announce my eternal love of Dawson’s Creek. There! I’ve said it. I feel better.
I shall stop drawing mustaches on family photos – especially on the female members.
Breaking a long-standing tradition, I will stop dropping sugar cubes into car engines to feed the ponies that provide the horsepower.
I will stop booby-trapping the punch bowl.
I’ll stop chewing my toenails.
I’ll mark all the song lyrics out of my copy of West Side Story and change it back to Romeo and Juliet again (after I’m done turning My Fair Lady into Pygmalion).
I will use feng shui to align the inner Chi of my adobe.
I will take an advanced course in the international language of Esperanto.
I will stop collecting celebrity earwax.
I will stop informing the neighbor’s kids that there is no Santa Claus, after I tell Timmy - he's a jerk.
I will build a better mousetrap – or at least one that is comparable to currently existing models.
I will stop making Carrot Top voodoo dolls. Maybe…
I will stop poisoning the pigeons in the park.
I will strive to stop my constant use of the phrase, “Them’s good people.”
Deeming it my “daily tuber,” I will incorporate potatoes into every meal.
I will stop going to the zoo and mocking the monkeys.
I will stop peddling Rolek watches to nearsighted tourists.
I will dig up all the foreign, slightly illegal objects I have secreted in the backyard and replace them with daisies.
I will attempt to domesticate a random wild animal and name it Mr. Buttercup (regardless of gender.)
I will teach myself how to play the tuba without using my hands.
And finally, taking Prince’s advice, I’m gonna party like it’s 1999.
Happy New Year everybody!
'Make_it_a_good_one'
